everymonstrousthing | (no subject)

It's late. It's very, very late. And he has no idea what he's doing. He has no idea what he's doing.

He's not drunk - a little, maybe, but not enough to actually blame it. He's been at the club all day, finishing repairing the damage that he'd wrought with his cane. He'd thought about going home, but his apartment doesn't feel like home anymore, because home was on the tenth floor, with windows that opened onto the roof.

And what he is is lonely. And he's found something for that - not a cure. But a distraction.

And maybe it isn't fair. But what about life is?

He knocks on Jesper's door and then leans against the wall and waits.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

materialnik

Jesper groans, tries to think of the last time Kaz Brekker made that distinction, told Jesper he was needed, wanted. Anything more than tolerated. It makes this believable and it's all too easy to throw himself in, to let himself come.

From:

everymonstrousthing

He feels filled by it, owned and he lets himself shiver lets himself sink into it. His nails dig into Jesper's thigh.

From:

materialnik

For a second, Jesper just slumps there, his body molded to Kaz's and nose pressed in his hair. Even now, after sex, he smells so good.

"Okay?" he asks, voice gentler than he should let it be.

From:

everymonstrousthing

For a moment, Kaz doesn't even have words. He nods.

"M'okay," he says. He needs to shower, but he doesn't immediately want to pull away.

From:

materialnik

He nods, kissing against Kaz's nape and then moves to pull out, to remove the condom. Then he's back against Kaz, indulging himself in kisses while he still can, before he leaves.

From:

everymonstrousthing

The kisses are warm and Jesper smells good and Kaz feels content in a way that he hasn't, maybe his whole life.

"I need to shower," he says.

On 28 September 2016 at 21:30, materialnik - DW Comment < dw_null@dreamwidth.org> wrote:

From:

materialnik

"Yeah, me too," he says, inviting himself along. "I'm going to enjoy you while you're here."

From:

everymonstrousthing

"Thought you asked me if I wanted to stay," says Kaz, and he doesn't look back as he walks ahead of Jesper into the bathroom.

From:

materialnik

"Doesn't always mean you plan to," Jesper says, pointedly not describing waking up alone. Of course he wants Kaz to stay. He wants Kaz to say things that Jesper knows aren't in his vocabulary and to feel things that Brekker never allows himself to feel.

He wants to pretend.

From:

everymonstrousthing

"I'm going to stay," says Kaz stepping into the shower and turning on the water. Tonight, he's too tired to hold it back. He's too tired to tell himself that he doesn't want it.

From:

materialnik

Jesper tries not to be grateful or to let Kaz know how much that delights him but he knows that Kaz probably sees through it. He always seems to.

Following Kaz into the shower, Jesper steals a kiss, mostly to see if Kaz will even let him.

From:

everymonstrousthing

Kaz lets Jesper take a kiss, leans back until his shoulder blades touch the cool tile. He wonders what they're doing here. He wonders if it matters.

From:

materialnik

It's strange, realizing he'd be on his knees right now if Kaz only asked it. Jesper just thinks of the kiss and pushes it from his head.

"Better?"

From:

everymonstrousthing

"Getting there," says Kaz, ducking his head and letting the water sluice over him. Being around Jesper reminds him of Inej, of Ketterdam of everything he's lost. There's comfort in that.

From:

materialnik

"You'll get there." It's a platitude and Jesper doubts Kaz has any patience for hearing them but it seems important to say. They won't be the same without Inej but he'll find a way to be who he needs to be.

From:

everymonstrousthing

"When did I start believing things you said?" asks Kaz, but it's a gentle jibe, meant fondly. He lifts one arm, curling it around Jesper's neck. He remembers the way he stomach used to lurch sickly at skin to skin contact. Before he learned to remember how warm a living person could be.

From:

materialnik

"Once in a while," Jesper says. He lets himself be drawn in and forget that this is an arrangement of Kaz's needs, of bandaging wounds that need tending.

But he's never been good at convincing himself to put those feelings aside in the past before either.

From:

everymonstrousthing

"Mmhmm," says Kaz, leaning in, pressing slick skin against slick skin. "But even a stopped clock's right twice a day."

From:

materialnik

"I'll take what I can get. I always do." He smiles and steals a kiss, thumb tracing affectionately over one of those razor cheekbones. "Even if it's only twice a day." Now he leers.

From:

everymonstrousthing

Kaz makes a sound that's probably a laugh. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, palming wet hair back from his face.

"Well, you've had once," he says, eyebrow raised.

From:

materialnik

Jesper laughs and turns his head, kissing at Kaz's throat again. "We still have time for twice."

From:

everymonstrousthing

Without even really thinking about it, Kaz tilts his head back, giving Jesper more room to work. He has no idea what they're doing here. He doesn't want it to stop.

From:

materialnik

"What do you think?"

He's flirting just to flirt, even though he knows he's drawing himself deep into worse trouble. This is a bad streak and he doesn't care. He wants Kaz and wants to be someone Kaz cares about.

And Saints, Kaz looks beautiful under the water.

From:

everymonstrousthing

"I think I could go again," says Kaz, his voice a rumble in his chest. "However you want."

From:

materialnik

Jesper laughs and bends his head to kiss Kaz. What he wants is to wake up with Kaz sprawled over him and to wake him with kisses and have him in the morning light but he's not that optimistic.

"Shame to get all clean and then dirty you up again," he teases.