(no subject)

[everymonstrousthing]

Kaz lets Jesper lead the way. It isn't the first time that he's been in Jesper's apartment but it's the first time without Inej, and that makes everything different. Once he's inside, he shrugs out of his jacket, leaves himself in his shirtsleeves, looks down at his gloves for a long, long time. Irritated, he passes one hand back through his hair and lowers himself down onto the couch.

"Not too late to turn me out onto the street, Jesper."

Comments

[everymonstrousthing]

"Surprise me," says Kaz, absurdly grateful when Jesper doesn't even let their fingers touch. "Something strong. I don't feel numb yet."

[materialnik]

"If you regret it, I'm going to remind you that you gave me that free pass," Jesper says. He disappears into his kitchen to mix another drink, briefly flipping the bottle in his hand.

[everymonstrousthing]

He fights, as hard as he can, to relax. To let go of the hard, cold ball of anger in his chest. He tries to forget how warm she'd been to the touch.

"You're the only person left that I trust," he says. "So I guess I'll have to forgive you."

[materialnik]

He drops the bottle then, barely catching it before he hits the floor, and stands up straight.

"Come again?"

[everymonstrousthing]

The fumble amuses him. He almost smiles.

"You know I'd trust you with my life, Jesper," he says. "It's happened often enough."

[materialnik]

Jesper supposes he could get pedantic–he was supposed to be a scholar once upon a time–and tell Kaz that his life and his secrets, his fragilities are different things.

He mixes a cocktail instead, this one sweet with grenadine to hide the tequila.

[everymonstrousthing]

Kaz holds out his hand for the glass, looking at Jesper expectantly. The first drink settles through him, warm and comforting. He's slightly concerned that he's not going to know where to stop.

[materialnik]

"You shouldn't be able to taste the booze in this," Jesper says, a warning and a promise. His hand lingers on the glass as he holds it out but he doesn't dare presume.

[everymonstrousthing]

So it's Kaz's decision, Kaz's fault that, when he takes the glass, his fingers brush Jesper's before the drink is fully in his hand. He takes a sip, ignoring the wave of something a lot like terror that spikes through him.

"You're right," he says. "I can't."

[materialnik]

"I warned you," he says and only after the words are out of his mouth does he realize what's just happened.

Kaz does not casually touch people. He touches when he wants to harm and for no other reason.

Saints.

[everymonstrousthing]

"You did," says Kaz, flexing the fingers of his free hand against his thigh, still feeling the touch of Jesper's skin against his. He sips his drink. He breathes.

[materialnik]

"I didn't soak them in acid, you know," Jesper says, flexing his own fingers in the air to demonstrate his point. There's no need to be defensive but Jesper almost doesn't know what to do without the veneer of casual tension.

[everymonstrousthing]

"I can see that," says Kaz, looking down at his own hands. "I don't..." He shrugs. "Ever. Except Inej. Not for years and years."

[materialnik]

"Is there a reason? Or are we all just that far beneath you?" Jesper tries to hide it in humor, uncertain of how to actually cope with an unvarnished Kaz.

[everymonstrousthing]

"You're miles and miles away," says Kaz, and it's truth, honestly, because that's how it feels, sometimes - like there's the rest of the world and then there's Kaz Brekker, stalking the edges alone. But isn't that how he always wanted it? Wasn't that what he always strived for?

"A lot of it is habit," he says, knowing that Jesper didn't seem him faint in the wagon. That that was a secret that Inej had kept.

[materialnik]

"Well, we can't all be you."

Jesper goes back into the kitchen and opens the folding shade so that there's a small window between it and the living room. Without looking, he tosses a tumbler into the air and catches it on the back of his hand, pouring a shot of bourbon.

"What formed that habit? Or is that another untold story in the legend of Dirtyhands?"

[everymonstrousthing]

"Don't ask me that yet." He's aware, achingly so, that yet isn't the same as never or not at all. His jaw ticks and he watches Jesper's clever hands for a moment. "Ask me something else."

[materialnik]

"Have you ever been in love before that?" he asks again, because he doesn't need to bother asking if Kaz loves Inej. He'd seen those tattoos. The geraniums and the fresh G inked next to a faded R.

He's pushing his luck, but it's very good bourbon he's drinking.

[everymonstrousthing]

With money, yes. With his own reputation, yes. But with another living, breathing, warm human being?

He shakes his head. Takes a sip of his sweet drink.

"Never."

[materialnik]

"Figured," Jesper says and it doesn't matter if it's true or not because it's at least the answer he expects. "It's probably safer for you that way." Safer for all of them.

He tries not to think of Wylan.

[everymonstrousthing]

He tilts his head, studying Jesper for a moment.

"What do you mean, safer?"

[materialnik]

Jesper frowns and tries to push aside the thought of Kaz's reaction again, of the last time he lost Inej. "The less you love, the safer you are. Always seemed like your chief concern."

[everymonstrousthing]

"My chief concern was staying one step ahead," he says. "And making money. And look where that got us." He drains his drink and then stands, walking into the kitchen, setting it down on the counter at Jesper's elbow. "Ask me another."

[materialnik]

"Ask you another or pour you another?" Already, he's picking up a bottle by the neck, giving it a dramatic twirl through his fingers before pouring .

"Is there anyone you will touch?"

His hand still remembers that brief pass of Kaz's fingers.

[everymonstrousthing]

He's distracted, for a moment, by the movement of the bottle, the swift deftness of his long, slim fingers. When the drink's poured, he picks it up and takes a sip. The bourbon burns.

"Just her," he says. "Since I was nine years old."