(no subject)

[everymonstrousthing]

He leaves Inej in his apartment, swaddles himself in his overcoat and his scarf and he walks over to Jesper's apartment. Everything's been different since Inej arrived; they've been in the same space, but Jesper hasn't been near him. There's been no texting. Nobody has let themselves into anybody's apartment in the middle of the night.

For once, when Kaz gets to Jesper's apartment, he leaves the lock unpicked.
He knocks with the head of his cane. He waits.

Comments

[everymonstrousthing]

"Just open the fucking door, Jesper," says Kaz. He's suddenly completely exhausted. "I mean it."

[materialnik]

The lock slides open and Jesper opens the door, looking at Kaz with raised brows. "You could have let yourself in," he says, a still a little surprised.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Wasn't sure if I'd be welcomed," says Kaz, eyebrows raised. He still doesn't step across the threshold, doesn't crowd Jesper. "Where the fuck did you go?"

[materialnik]

Jesper tips his head in response to that. The feeling is mutual, then, the uncertainty that he'd be welcome when Inej is here now. "I've been where I've always been. In the gutter, looking up at the stars."

[everymonstrousthing]

"You're so full of shit, it's a wonder your eyes aren't brown," says Kaz, rolling his own eyes, passing one gloved hand over his hair, pressing it back into place. "You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"

[materialnik]

Jesper smiles expansively then, flourishing a mocking bow. Of course he's full of shit. The second accusation, though, confuses him. "Say what?"

[everymonstrousthing]

Kaz glances down the hallway then, before he steps into Jesper's space. He moves closer until there's barely a breath between them.

"I miss you," he says. "For what it's worth."

[materialnik]

Jesper stiffens, uncertain of what it is that Kaz is trying to do. Inej is here, isn't she? She's the one Kaz loves, not Jesper.

"Why on earth would you go and do a thing like that?" he asks, trying to hide it in a joke.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Why do I do most of the things I do?" asks Kaz, leaning his shoulder against the door-frame to take some of his weight off his bad knee. "You don't get to do this, Jes. You don't get to run from me. Not a place in this city I wouldn't find you. And you know it."

[materialnik]

Shrugging one shoulder, Jesper spins another chair around, sitting on it backwards. His fingertips drum on the metal and plastic.

"Not running. Just staying out of the way, for once."

[everymonstrousthing]

"You didn't think to ask me what I wanted?" He says, both eyebrows raised. "Or Inej? Who died and put you in charge of what's good for everyone?"

[materialnik]

"And what do you want?" Jesper asks. He doesn't mean to sound so defensive but it's easy to tell himself that Kaz has Inej and what more does he need?

"Because on Vellgeluk, I didn't think you'd ever want to touch me."

[everymonstrousthing]

"Fuck Vellgeluk," says Kaz, tilting his head, a strand of dark hair slipping across his forehead. "We're not in Vellgeluk. When was the last time you saw me wear gloves in the house, Jesper? Doesn't that fucking mean anything to you, shit-for-brains?"

[materialnik]

"Of course it does," Jesper says, trying not to raise is voice. "But now Inej is here and you don't need me."

[everymonstrousthing]

Dirtyhands, as usual, as ever, turns up when there's rough work needing to be done. Kaz Brekker doesn't know how to handle this; maybe Kaz Retivald would have had more of an idea, if he'd lived. Kaz feels his face starts to harden, tries to fight it.

"You know what I need, do you?"

[materialnik]

"I know you wanted nothing to do with me," Jesper says. He could step back, bury the truth, but it's Kaz and Jesper thinks he'd have found out anyway.

"Not when you found out the fake Ferolind was my fault and Inej got stabbed because I tried to buy off some Dime Lions."

[everymonstrousthing]

That's new information and Kaz lets that sink in for a moment. He steps into Jesper's apartment. Carefully, he closes the door behind him.

"That was you?" He shifts his grip on his cane.

[materialnik]

The door closes and Jesper feels the temperature drop by several degrees, all the ice rolling off of Kaz. Jesper should be afraid, should despair, but he's feeling oddly calm, as if he's at least had the dignity of choosing his own execution.

"They were pressing on me hard and I couldn't gamble away my father's farm. I told them I'd be flush soon. That's all I told them."

But it was enough.

[everymonstrousthing]

"She could have died, Jesper," says Kaz, and he can remember the blood soaking through his shirt, the very particular weight of her in his arms. He remembered the cold fury as he'd carved out that boy's eye. "But it doesn't matter, if that was all you said."

He feels so cold that it could take him, that he could be gone and unable to fight his way back from under it.

[materialnik]

"And I'll be begging for her forgiveness for a long damn time," Jesper says. He can't read Kaz's expression or tone in this moment, can't pick out where the crow-head cane will strike him first or, worse, if Kaz will just use his words and tell Jesper how he's fucked up.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Why are you telling me this now?" asks Kaz, his bitter-coffee eyes narrowing for a moment. "You've kept it from me for long enough." He lifts his cane and brandishes it. "The truth, Jesper."

[materialnik]

"Because I did't want you to hate me," Jesper says. And now Inej is here and Kaz has the person he wants instead of a convenient substitute.

"You have Inej," he says.

[everymonstrousthing]

Anger courses through him, cold and devastating, and Kaz has to turn away before he does something he regrets. He makes himself put his cane down. He knows how much damage it can do if he uses it. He scrubs one gloved hand back through his hair.

"You're a fucking idiot if you can't see it," he says, finally.

[materialnik]

Jesper laughs then and he means for it to be rueful but it comes out as slightly hysterical. "I've always been an idiot, Kaz. I just usually didn't fuck up so badly."

[everymonstrousthing]

"You're a fucking..." Kaz draws in a short, irritated breath, rolling his eyes a little. "It might have started off as convenient, Jesper. But that's not how it's fucking ended up."