(no subject)

[everymonstrousthing]

He leaves Inej in his apartment, swaddles himself in his overcoat and his scarf and he walks over to Jesper's apartment. Everything's been different since Inej arrived; they've been in the same space, but Jesper hasn't been near him. There's been no texting. Nobody has let themselves into anybody's apartment in the middle of the night.

For once, when Kaz gets to Jesper's apartment, he leaves the lock unpicked.
He knocks with the head of his cane. He waits.

Comments

[everymonstrousthing]

That's new information and Kaz lets that sink in for a moment. He steps into Jesper's apartment. Carefully, he closes the door behind him.

"That was you?" He shifts his grip on his cane.

[materialnik]

The door closes and Jesper feels the temperature drop by several degrees, all the ice rolling off of Kaz. Jesper should be afraid, should despair, but he's feeling oddly calm, as if he's at least had the dignity of choosing his own execution.

"They were pressing on me hard and I couldn't gamble away my father's farm. I told them I'd be flush soon. That's all I told them."

But it was enough.

[everymonstrousthing]

"She could have died, Jesper," says Kaz, and he can remember the blood soaking through his shirt, the very particular weight of her in his arms. He remembered the cold fury as he'd carved out that boy's eye. "But it doesn't matter, if that was all you said."

He feels so cold that it could take him, that he could be gone and unable to fight his way back from under it.

[materialnik]

"And I'll be begging for her forgiveness for a long damn time," Jesper says. He can't read Kaz's expression or tone in this moment, can't pick out where the crow-head cane will strike him first or, worse, if Kaz will just use his words and tell Jesper how he's fucked up.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Why are you telling me this now?" asks Kaz, his bitter-coffee eyes narrowing for a moment. "You've kept it from me for long enough." He lifts his cane and brandishes it. "The truth, Jesper."

[materialnik]

"Because I did't want you to hate me," Jesper says. And now Inej is here and Kaz has the person he wants instead of a convenient substitute.

"You have Inej," he says.

[everymonstrousthing]

Anger courses through him, cold and devastating, and Kaz has to turn away before he does something he regrets. He makes himself put his cane down. He knows how much damage it can do if he uses it. He scrubs one gloved hand back through his hair.

"You're a fucking idiot if you can't see it," he says, finally.

[materialnik]

Jesper laughs then and he means for it to be rueful but it comes out as slightly hysterical. "I've always been an idiot, Kaz. I just usually didn't fuck up so badly."

[everymonstrousthing]

"You're a fucking..." Kaz draws in a short, irritated breath, rolling his eyes a little. "It might have started off as convenient, Jesper. But that's not how it's fucking ended up."

[materialnik]

Jesper wants to shoot back that they've ended up fucking plenty of times but something about his expression arrests him. "So. What am I then?"

[everymonstrousthing]

"You're..." Kaz struggles for the word, for a moment. "More than that. Anyone can see that. Inej can see it."

[materialnik]

Jesper narrows his eyes, trying to hide hope with cynicism. He squares his shoulders, tilts his chin up, as if he can dare Kaz into proving it. Into saying or doing something.

[everymonstrousthing]

And Kaz can play this game, too, he can face down Jesper, he could go cold and unyielding. But he finds that he doesn't want to. Slowly, deliberately, he peels off his gloves.

"Do you want me to go?"

[materialnik]

He wants Kaz to say it, wants to know the he's more than a henchman, an ally. Call him greedy or a bad gambler, but he wants a chance to imagine that he has a sliver of the love Kaz has for Inej. He's always been a romantic.

"Do you want to leave?"

[everymonstrousthing]

"No."

That word has sharp edges, but he realises that he doesn't. He doesn't want to go anywhere. He steps in again, raises one bare hand and touches Jesper's face.

[materialnik]

He can't help it then. Jesper tilts his hand into Kaz's touch, closes his eyes for a second. "So what do we do now?" he asks. It feels as though they're at an impasse. Of what kind, he doesn't know.

[everymonstrousthing]

Kaz strokes the sharp line of Jesper's cheekbone with one thumb.

"We figure it out," he says. "The three of us."

[materialnik]

He sighs out, head tilting again, thinking but also not really letting himself believe it can be so easy. "At least I know you're not buttering me up for my pancakes."

[everymonstrousthing]

"Your pancakes are fucking terrible," says Kaz, almost laughing a little, still touching Jesper's face, almost gently. "Inej knows I'm here. We...can make this work if you want to."

[materialnik]

It's almost sweet, almost loving, and Jesper's heart pulls a little because he wants this to work, to be real.

"I thought you were never going to forgive me," he says, still remembering the Kaz at Vellgeluk who'd hated him.

[everymonstrousthing]

"If something had happened to her that I couldn't fix, I wouldn't have," says Kaz, his voice quiet, low. It's the truth, and they both know it. "But she's here, and she's whole. And maybe this is a second chance. And we can be whoever we want. In this place."

He'd reinvented himself once. He could do it again.

[materialnik]

Jesper doesn't negotiate on that truth because he knows it just as well. Instead, he nods and then reaches up, covering the hand on his face with his own, keeping them in contact.

"Stay?"

[everymonstrousthing]

He doesn't say anything, but he does nod. He turns his head and presses a kiss against the heel of Poison's hand.

On 1 January 2017 at 20:45, materialnik - DW Comment <dw_null@dreamwidth.org</p>

[materialnik]

Jesper sighs out and shifts his head, turning it into a real kiss. It's shyer than probably even their first kiss, brief and light, but it's there.

[everymonstrousthing]

Kaz doesn't push it deeper, doesn't go chasing after anything that Jesper isn't offering him, right then. There's a knot of feeling in his chest. He doesn't know how to put it into words, yet.