AU - Rat

[everymonstrousthing]

In the days after she goes, he's Dirtyhands more often than not. He stalks Darrow, sharp enough to cut. So little soft left in him. It's worse, because he'd let himself soften. He'd let too much of Kaz Reitvald come back and now reminding himself how to be the man he was in Ketterdam is hard work. It hurts.

Still. There's rough work to be done. So here he is.

The air in the club is close with tobacco, the smell of bodies. Kaz's mouth makes a moue of distaste as he slips up to the bar and orders gin, neat. He leans his back against polished wood, looks up at the stage. He's in time to catch the tail end of the performance.

Comments

[everymonstrousthing]

"Yes," says Kaz, stepping into the apartment and immediately starting to shrug out of his overcoat. Underneath, it's familiar tailoring - waistcoat, shirt, watch-chain, tie. He leans his cane against the wall. "Please."

[plaguedrat]

There's a gravitas to how Kaz carries himself, made only more severe in his layers and sharp lines. Rat can understand, even if he wraps himself into a different disguise than that. It also makes him want to needle and Rat shrugs out of his coat and the sweats beneath it, draping both indolently over the back of a chair before he retrieves glasses and a bottle of red wine. Once again, his appearance is somewhere Between. Sharp shoulders and collar bones are visible in the wide scoop of his shirt and his hair hangs loose in pieces, falling into eyes made gentler and rounder with makeup.

"Help yourself," he says, uncorking the bottle. "I'm going to wash my face."

[everymonstrousthing]

"Pity," says Kaz, which is an admission of something that neither of them have mentioned, that might not even be happening here. He doesn't elaborate further, reaching for the bottle and pouring them both a glass.

[plaguedrat]

"And here you struck me as a man who doesn't like being deceived," Rat says. He moves backward to his bathroom, pulling his shirt over his head and it exposes a smooth, flat chest, marked with faint scars and the bullet scar in his shoulder.

He is not a convincing substitute for Inej.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Is it a deception if I know it's happening?" he asks, lowering himself down onto a sofa. "If I can appreciate the art in it?"

[plaguedrat]

"Only if you lie to yourself too." Rat shrugs and leans against the doorframe, keeping the scars on his back well out of sight. "Do you plan to do something about it?"

[everymonstrousthing]

"I make a habit of never lying to myself," says Kaz, sipping his wine, tilting his head to look up at Rat. He fakes indolence, eyebrow raised. "About what?"

[plaguedrat]

"Liar." He says it partly to be contrary and partly because everyone lies to himself. It's as certain as breathing and bullets.

"You're the one who seems to like my pretty face. Don't be disappointed with the rest of it."

[everymonstrousthing]

"It's a very pretty face," concedes Kaz, ignoring how off balance he suddenly feels. He takes another sip of his wine. "Can't comment on the rest, can I?" His eyes do dart downwards, though.

[plaguedrat]

"Can't comment on the rest if you don't do anything about it," he says, reminding Kaz of their original impasse. Rat is too careful anymore, cautiously aloof of the potential of tonight and protective of his own feelings.

[everymonstrousthing]

"But the wine's here," reasons Kaz, lifting his glass in a lazy toast. He's still wearing his gloves. "So, surely, you should come to me."

[plaguedrat]

Rat raises a brow again, expressing at least a dozen different remarks, most of them at least faintly challenging. "So it is," he says at last, slithering forward and crossing over to the couch.

[everymonstrousthing]

Still wearing his gloves, Kaz leans forward and picks up the second glass of wine, holding it out to Rat with an expectant look. There is a touch of challenge to the tilt of his chin.

[plaguedrat]

They both live in those challenges, each expecting a new move from the other and the frustrated with the careful non-action. Moving closer, his hand darts forward but past the glass toward Kaz's cheek, just short of actually caressing it.

[everymonstrousthing]

His heart jumps when Rat nearly touches him; he's not sure whether he's relieved or disappointed when there's no touch of skin on skin. He tilts his head back, looking up at him. His eyes are as dark and unreadable as spilled ink.

"It's skin on skin," he says, finally. "But I can...I can get passed it." He's almost ashamed of that admission.

[plaguedrat]

He's guessed as much based on their similar pasts and for a moment, he's silent as he decides on what reaction he should allow through. He could play sympathetic or dredge up some of the faint annoyance he feels. He decides to be honest. "Too much death," he surmises.

[everymonstrousthing]

"Something like that," he says, nodding. "Too close to be ignored." His eyes dart over Rat's face. He leans to put the wine down, but doesn't reach for him, yet. "I don't want to talk about it."

[plaguedrat]

He nods and finally takes his own wine glass, looking into it more than he really drinks. "That limits what I'm useful for," he says, smiling in a way that would look self-deprecating on anyone else.

[everymonstrousthing]

"I don't want talking," says Kaz, shaking his head, taking another swallow of his wine. It's going down too quickly, and he knows it. "I don't think you want talking either. No matter what you want me to think."

[plaguedrat]

"Then what do you want?" If he wants sex, Rat can do that, but Kaz's own admission seems to rule that out. Leaning back, he adopts a careless sprawl.

[everymonstrousthing]

Rat is going to make every second of this hard work; Kaz can see that. He wouldn't expect anything different. Carefully, he leans forward and sets the glasses down. Deliberately, he peels off his gloves, tucking them into his pocket. And then he offers Rat one bare hand.

[plaguedrat]

It's not what he expects and Rat watches him for a moment. It's hard to choose which reason makes him most cautious. That he's loved and lost in too much measure. That he isn't in a mood to fight off violent reprisals if this goes badly. Maybe it's that he does have a measure of respect for Kaz he isn't eager to see damaged.

Whatever the reason, it gives Rat cause to be careful as he reaches out and lays his fingertips against Kaz's. It's a feather light touch, easy to escape, but it is there.

[everymonstrousthing]

Rat's skin is warm and it's soft and he feels alive. Kaz focuses on that. He drags in a breath through his nose and slides his fingers against Rat's, carefully, slowly, gently. He swallows, focusing on their hands, on the point where they touch.

[plaguedrat]

"I'm alive," he says, a reminder to them both. There's loss in this place but no death, just the full solidity of two damaged—but stubbornly, desperately alive—men.

[everymonstrousthing]

"You are," says Kaz, nodding, turning so he's facing Rat more solidly, his fingers curling around his wrist to tug him in a little closer. "We're both doing better than we've got any right to."