everymonstrousthing | (no subject)

"Wouldn't be the first time for either of us," says Kaz, taking the bottle and knocking back what's left, leaning his weight back against the counter.

Jesper spreads his arms wide, like some kind of tipsy showman. His kitchen is very narrow and the gesture knocks his hands into the fridge and the opposite wall and Jesper stumbles, laughs.

"Are you sure about that?"

He isn't so far gone that he reaches out to steady Jesper, but he does raise his eyebrows, his mouth tightening with humour for a moment.

"That we've done stupid things? Virtually certain."

"Nothing to be done for it, I suppose," he says. And, because he always has to press his luck, Jesper steps forward into Kaz's space.

Inej is gone and Jesper's a poor replacement but he'd be lying if he didn't want to.

And, for his part, Kaz doesn't pull away. His brain is screaming at him, but his body, his skin, got used to warmth and now everything is cold, now Inej is gone. He draws in a shivering breath.

"Sure it's a bet you want to make?"

"Never been good at walking away," Jesper reminds him, and he stays right there, doesn't move closer and doesn't move farther away.

"Neither have I." And he's drunk, he's far drunker than he meant to be, and he let himself become a person who could miss touch, who could crave it. But he doesn't know how to initiate it, not with someone who's not Inej. It's a language he doesn't speak.

"So what do we do?" Jesper asks, leaning forward. He lets himself into Kaz's space, head tipped slightly down so they make eye contact. Offering.

Kaz's hand comes up, trembling and brushes Jesper's arm, his shoulder. He rolls one shoulder in a shrug but he sways in a little, too

"Don't look at me like I know."

It's a lot coming from Kaz and Jesper's only now seeing the reality of it. Kaz looks like he really might faint. He's never thought of Kaz Brekker as a fragile man and he's not sure what to do with that impression other than sneak closer and put his arm around Kaz's waist to hold him up.

"I'm offering, if you're wanting."

He can't quite put into words just how much he's wanting back then. His face flushes, his fingers spasming to clutch at the fabric of Jesper's shirt. Just the edge of one fingertip brushes the smooth skin of Jesper's neck.

"I don't know how to...I've never..." He swallows. "No-one but her."

The confession shouldn't surprise him after what Kaz has revealed but it's still difficult to imagine Kaz without that level of worldly experience. All the alcohol suddenly rushes heat to his cheeks and Jesper tries to imagine it, stomach turning with nervous excitement.

"I'm offering," he says again, trying to be suave when his mind can't unfocus from the touch along his neck.

That slight flush to Jesper's face is dazzling and Kaz just stares for a moment. He opens his mouth, but then he can't figure out how to say anything. So he just nods.

And he can't remember how to breathe.

He's wanted this for a long time and he knows that Kaz knows. He doesn't doubt that Kaz has manipulated that desire in the past because it's what Brekker does. But now, there doesn't seem to be any ulterior motive and it almost leaves Jesper stymied before he grabs ahold of his own nerves and leans forward, mouth pressed to Kaz's.

Jesper is only the second person he's ever kissed. He freezes, for a moment, pressed close and then he surges, leaning into it, clinging to Jesper's sleeves with both hands.

Something kicks in and Jesper feels it. Kaz goes from still to active in seconds, hands tight in his clothes. Jesper opens his mouth and gives up on telling himself to be smarter about this.

Just like that, they're kissing. Kaz has never been blind to Jesper's feelings about him, has used them from time to time, but this...this is something different. This is something purer. And Jesper feels hot enough to burn.

He stumbles in place, drunk enough that the heady reality could bowl him over. He's kissing Kaz Brekker, getting something he's desired for almost their whole acquaintance. He's kissing Kaz Brekker and there's a good chance he might get to enjoy more.

The counter and the press of Jesper's body is pretty much all that keeps Kaz standing. He leans into the kiss, reckless and hungry, makes a soft sound against Jesper's mouth.

It's soft and plaintive and so unlike Kaz that he opens his eyes to check. Opens his eyes, but doesn't pull away, doesn't stop kissing. Kaz looks as if he might go weak in the knees, which is a flattering prospect even if Jesper doubts it's entirely to do with him.

He swipes his tongue along Kaz's, tastes the sweet and the burn of the liquor he's been mixing this whole time.

It's easy, he finds, to let himself be nudged. He opens his mouth, lets Jesper kiss him as deep as he wants. He still doesn't trust himself to actually touch Jesper's skin.

He's never known Kaz to be pliant, to be warm and wanting. And Kaz is warm. His body feels as heated and taut as any other man Jesper's been with.

"My kitchen's not very comfortable," he remarks. "Especially without the alcohol" Bed. Couch. Floor. Kaz can make his choices.

Kaz draws in a shivering, delicate breath and blinks.

"Wherever you want," he says. It feels good to not have to hold himself in check.

He could drink in this version of Kaz, the one that had heretofore only existed in the sweeter of Jesper's fantasies. He'd always expected, if anything did come of this, that it would be a rough thing with Kaz's hand on his throat but this is...well, Kaz looks on the verge of swooning.

Jesper pulls back enough that Kaz can stand on his own and starts walking backward to the bedroom.

For his part, Kaz lets himself be lead. He stays pliant, focuses on the sound his boots make on the boards, the warmth of Jesper's skin and the strength of his hands.