everymonstrousthing | (no subject)

He would smile at that, pleased with himself. It almost softens the blow of being called useful.

"Never leave anything to chance, do you?"

"I try not to," says Kaz, maintaining eye contact. "Leaving things to chance makes you easier to trip up."

Funny then, that he keeps Jesper around when all he does is play with chance. Jesper wishes he could be angry. It would be smart but he just can't leave behind a bad hand when he should.

He pours himself another shot and drinks it at once without saying anything.

Kaz watches him, eyes dark and unreadable for a moment. He's drunker than he meant to be. He doesn't want to stop drinking. He holds out his glass for another.

On 5 September 2016 at 19:40, materialnik - DW Comment < dw_null@dreamwidth.org> wrote:

They're rambling toward something very dangerous and Jesper knows it but he takes the glass from Kaz and this time there's no mistaking the way he lets his fingers fold over Kaz's. His skin is softer than he'd expect from a boy named Dirtyhands.

Then he pulls away and pours Kaz another shot and then holds the bottle up so that Kaz can see there's hardly anything left. Nothing but the dregs.

And gods, he is shaken by that touch. Warm. Jesper is very, very warm. That's what Kaz focuses on. He gets the joke, the message in the bottle, and huffs a laugh.

"Now what are we going to do?"

"Good question," Jesper says. He puts the bottle directly to his lips and takes a swig, holding out the bottle for Kaz to finish.

"Probably something stupid."

"Wouldn't be the first time for either of us," says Kaz, taking the bottle and knocking back what's left, leaning his weight back against the counter.

Jesper spreads his arms wide, like some kind of tipsy showman. His kitchen is very narrow and the gesture knocks his hands into the fridge and the opposite wall and Jesper stumbles, laughs.

"Are you sure about that?"

He isn't so far gone that he reaches out to steady Jesper, but he does raise his eyebrows, his mouth tightening with humour for a moment.

"That we've done stupid things? Virtually certain."

"Nothing to be done for it, I suppose," he says. And, because he always has to press his luck, Jesper steps forward into Kaz's space.

Inej is gone and Jesper's a poor replacement but he'd be lying if he didn't want to.

And, for his part, Kaz doesn't pull away. His brain is screaming at him, but his body, his skin, got used to warmth and now everything is cold, now Inej is gone. He draws in a shivering breath.

"Sure it's a bet you want to make?"

"Never been good at walking away," Jesper reminds him, and he stays right there, doesn't move closer and doesn't move farther away.

"Neither have I." And he's drunk, he's far drunker than he meant to be, and he let himself become a person who could miss touch, who could crave it. But he doesn't know how to initiate it, not with someone who's not Inej. It's a language he doesn't speak.

"So what do we do?" Jesper asks, leaning forward. He lets himself into Kaz's space, head tipped slightly down so they make eye contact. Offering.

Kaz's hand comes up, trembling and brushes Jesper's arm, his shoulder. He rolls one shoulder in a shrug but he sways in a little, too

"Don't look at me like I know."

It's a lot coming from Kaz and Jesper's only now seeing the reality of it. Kaz looks like he really might faint. He's never thought of Kaz Brekker as a fragile man and he's not sure what to do with that impression other than sneak closer and put his arm around Kaz's waist to hold him up.

"I'm offering, if you're wanting."

He can't quite put into words just how much he's wanting back then. His face flushes, his fingers spasming to clutch at the fabric of Jesper's shirt. Just the edge of one fingertip brushes the smooth skin of Jesper's neck.

"I don't know how to...I've never..." He swallows. "No-one but her."

The confession shouldn't surprise him after what Kaz has revealed but it's still difficult to imagine Kaz without that level of worldly experience. All the alcohol suddenly rushes heat to his cheeks and Jesper tries to imagine it, stomach turning with nervous excitement.

"I'm offering," he says again, trying to be suave when his mind can't unfocus from the touch along his neck.

That slight flush to Jesper's face is dazzling and Kaz just stares for a moment. He opens his mouth, but then he can't figure out how to say anything. So he just nods.

And he can't remember how to breathe.

He's wanted this for a long time and he knows that Kaz knows. He doesn't doubt that Kaz has manipulated that desire in the past because it's what Brekker does. But now, there doesn't seem to be any ulterior motive and it almost leaves Jesper stymied before he grabs ahold of his own nerves and leans forward, mouth pressed to Kaz's.

Jesper is only the second person he's ever kissed. He freezes, for a moment, pressed close and then he surges, leaning into it, clinging to Jesper's sleeves with both hands.

Something kicks in and Jesper feels it. Kaz goes from still to active in seconds, hands tight in his clothes. Jesper opens his mouth and gives up on telling himself to be smarter about this.

Just like that, they're kissing. Kaz has never been blind to Jesper's feelings about him, has used them from time to time, but this...this is something different. This is something purer. And Jesper feels hot enough to burn.

He stumbles in place, drunk enough that the heady reality could bowl him over. He's kissing Kaz Brekker, getting something he's desired for almost their whole acquaintance. He's kissing Kaz Brekker and there's a good chance he might get to enjoy more.